Unreality Players Union

Silent Bob the actor

Silent Bob

Sculpted by Patrick Piggott for Diamond Select Toys, the figure includes two heads, one extra hand and one medicinal cigie. This Silent Bob rocks! The cigarette looks like a cigarette… but there’s an ongoing campaign urging me to replace it (via Photoshop or acrylic oils) with a joint. A “new California joint” to be precise.

The Board of Directors has not reached a decision on this yet, as some fear complaints from letter-writing conservatives in a small town in Iowa.

Silent Bob himself doesn’t seem to care one way or the other. “Who gives a shit!?” he says. “But if you put a joint in my hands I will smoke it.” I’m struck by how much he sounds like that Kevin Smith guy.

In his first major exploratory walk through the eternal landscape at Unreality Studios, Silent Bob was able to discover the tree of life in a yellow pot! No other plastic creature has been able recognize the challenge… taking a handful of leaves and promptly eating them...

It was this uncanny willingness to explore cosmological reality that led me to audition him for the leading role of Carlitos in a series based on the books by Carlos Castaneda. Silent Bob met the challenge and surpassed all expectations, often embodying the fear, confusion and humiliation described by Castaneda.

Silent Bob discovers the tree of knowledge

It is likely that playing Carlitos will earn him an Academy Award Nomination… though it’s probably best to withhold predictions until the series is complete. His transformation into a man-of-knowledge may one day be compared to Woody Harrelson’s transition from the nice-guy-pretty-boy actor he once was to the first-rate character-actor he is today.



This is the coolest Spock in plastic, from the Star Trek Select line by Diamond Select Toys. It exudes integrity... and not just because he comes with two heads and two sets of legs, which can be useful to a Vulcan-about-town, but because one of the two heads look like Leonard Nimoy posed for it, and the other one looks as if he might be getting an enema from Locutus of Borg, but it’s actually the psychological pain of mind-melding with the Horta, a silicon-based life form that was tunneling through the planet Janus VI a while back.

This figure was designed by Art Asylum for Diamond Select Toys. There are other Spocks in the troupe, but this is the one that I would mind-meld with.

Spock's hands...

Lieutenant Commander Worf

Sculpted by Patrick Piggot for Dimond Select Toys

Lieutenant Commander Worf figurine

Locutus of Borg figurine

Locutus of Borg

A small inexpensive figure that manages to look like Picard and features a number of replaceable Borg parts and tubes… Resisting this figure is… futile.

This was a nice surprise, given how many shitty Star Trek figures are out there (for a while it seemed that Universal would license any type of Star Trek product no matter how insulting to the legacy of the most revolutionary sci-fi concept to emerge from TV) and perhaps this figure stands by itself as a response to the many other “captains” that didn’t look at all like their real-world counterparts.

I have a shitload of Star Trek figures somewhere, mostly presents and reminders of my days at the SFDPH, and I love them for their significance… people gave them to me, usually one at a time, as gifts for working on projects, birthdays, etc. I was the Star Trek guy… most of the figures you have to meet half way to figure out who they represented… others you had to ask… “Janeway!?” “Really!?” “Oh… he’s a Klingon! I get it.”

In spite of his small size, Locutus towers in quality and demeanor over most captains, and he faces down the camera with the integrity of an experienced Shakespearian actor in the role of a lifetime. Unfortunately, there’s no way to turn this Locutus into a Picard… Long live Locutus of Borg!

The Enterprise rushing to rescue Picard from The Borg

Harry Mudd Captain Cisco Klingon Commander Kruge The Traveler

NEXT: The Bride of you-know-who, The Creature and Dracula

- -