Unreality Players Union

The Bride in Blue

The Bride

She is one of my favorite actors in the troupe… I first noticed actress Elsa Lanchester in some of her later roles before I discovered her greatest role as The Bride of Frankenstein. She was clearly not a happy bride, thinking that she should be able to choose her own partner. Imagine that.

The Bride was sculpted by Oluf W. Hartvigson.

She’s a full inch taller than her Universal companions, which, in real life converts to about a foot taller… I’m not sure why this is… couldn’t they tell how this would make Dracula and Frankenstein feel? Screw them! I like tall women anyways... and my Elsa will rock anyone who’s lucky enough to lay an eye on her...

The Bride in hospital gown

In my photos she appears in her original hospital gown, in an Edith Head-inspired white dress (for San Francisco’s Black and White Ball) and in a blue evening dress (somewhat like the one Halle Berry wore to the 2011 Academy Awards, but blue with a big purple flower).

With her second head (no hair, all bandages) she’s like a completely different figure, and has been photographed in a number of different outfits.

After this amazing transformation (below) it’s difficult to recognize her at all. Her big eyes being the only part of her face not wrapped in bandages, giving off a disturbing reptilian feeling that most character actresses would kill for (let’s see Charlize Theron try that in her next movie!)

The Bride in bandages

In her beach-wear wraps, she seems free from her dark past and capable of picking up the pieces of her life… to get a job at a San Francisco tech firm and frequent coffee houses with her laptop and cell phone… to reinvent herself into a happy, trackable consumer, stepping over the homeless and the dying as she hurries into a trendy and over-priced coffee bar that will covertly plant all types of Ferengi adware in her laptop… she makes a date for Saturday, she downloads a free Kindle book and consumes half a muffin with her caffeine. The world is hers now.

And after what she’s gone through to get here, she deserves the world, at least.


The Creature from The Black Lagoon

Even as a kid I could tell that the Creature was just a man in a suit… but as I approached my mid-20s I saw the film at a repertoire theatre in West LA (the Nuart) and new notions of reality and un-reality emerged, along with a renewed appreciation for classic sci/fi and horror characters, which stayed with me through adulthood.

In some ways the Creature reminds me of Cuba; there he is, minding his own business when ambitious men decide to capture and/or kill him for their own “higher” purpose. It never occurs to these men to leave the creature in peace and make friends... “be conquered or die” seems to be the options open to The Creature. Do you recognize how the film’s plot resembles past U.S. policy towards Cuba?

The Creature in my pictures, sculpted by Rudy Garcia, has never been far away from my eyes since I acquired it a few years ago. Another Diamond Select masterpiece from their Universal portfolio.

Also included with The Creature is a figure of actress Julie Adams (in the role of Kay Lawrence), the one woman in the original film.... She’s sitting on the beach in a one-piece bathing suit from the 1950s...

In spite of this being a limited figure with no mobility or pose-ability, she’s appeared in a number of Unreality Productions as well as a long-stint as one of the main attractions on my desktop. She has resisted advances from Batman, Hann, various Sin City players and a couple of married men that come over just to look at porn on my computer.


It may not be his fault that he’s a vampire… or that he’s been feared at wholesale rates since the early 1930s… However else we analyze it… he is THE VAMPIRE… and without him there is no True Blood… no cute/teen vampires wearing shades after dark in tight clothes and leather high heeled boots. No Hollywood producers making buckets of money on the fictional consumption of human blood.

Dracula in daylight

The Dracula figure was sculpted by Gabriel Marquez (described in the product description as “legendary monster sculptor” and I tend to agree) for the Diamond Select Universal Monsters line. It stands 7-inches tall and includes a ferocious but lovable hound… (which I’ve named “Ringo” after a dog in my past).

Some have complained that he doesn’t look like Lugosi… and I explain that he IS Lugosi, but that now, he has conquered daylight… This Dracula is no longer afraid of the light but his face is still covered in burning white ashes… which should not imply that he’s become some politically-correct, synthetic-blood vampire… but he no longer has to wait until dark for his meals. He still craves the real thing and won’t settle for anything less.

A vampire has few pleasures in life (or death) and this one will feast on every one he can find.

Frankenstein's monster

Frankenstein's Creation

It always bothered me to call this beautiful figure “Frankenstein” when in fact this is the Monster that Dr. Victor Frankenstein made… so he should rightly be called “Frankenstein’s Monster.”  He was never properly named, so I’ve named him “Franky,” not because of his father’s name, but because of his frank personality.

He’s the one people love… not “Victor,” nor his sick buddy Dr. Praetorious… But I suppose that a son is entitled to his father’s name…

There’s nothing wrong with being a good monster.

Franky was sculpted by Marquez for the Diamond Select Universal Monsters line and is a truly magnificent figure. Unfortunately, though, he doesn’t feature much mobility (you can raise and lower his arms) but he’s got the integrity and muscle of a rock polished by Brancusi.

Frankenstein's creation and Dracula's dog

Nothing describes the big hearted fellow better than his match.com profile:

My name’s Frankie. I’m really a nice guy... I like music and animals... and I’m a good listener.

My bride left me on our wedding night and I haven’t dated in over 80 years... so this makes me feel a little... vulnerable.

I have a great job as an actor in movies and as a subject in fiction stories and comic books... but I always play the bad guy. That’s typecasting for you, don’t let it fool you. I’m really a lovable monster of a guy.

I’m DC/PC… I prefer DC over Marvel, and the PC over the Mac…

I’m looking for a real woman that appreciates the classics... with stories more compelling than special effects... and characters that reach right into your heart.

This is Count Dracula’s dog. I often take him for walks in the afternoon while The Count takes his nap.

NEXT: Van Helsing, the Wolf Man and the Vampire Crawling out of A Grave

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