Mea Culpa

by Jerry A. Sierra

mea culpa graphic

The second I realized that I’ve had enough of this decaying planet, I contacted the mother ship, requested an urgent evac and began to pack my bags.

Less than an hour later the denial from the Orwellian Council popped into my email client like a brick through a glass window.

They’re still “unsettled” about that little incident a while back… even though it wasn’t that big a deal… I just said that “Mr. Arkadin” is shitty, and referred to it as “Welles lite… not even close to a popped pimple on CKane’s ample pooper…” I’m paraphrasing, of course. And I should add that I’d been… relaxing with “friends” at the time. All of them testified against me.

At the prelimns I explained how earlier that evening someone had added Vanilla flavored Almond Milk to my Dark French Roast, drastically reducing the acid content and causing a temporary brain flux… (Something akin to alcoholic drunkenness; the lowering of inhibitions, the desire to speak the truth…) otherwise I never would have spoken so judgmentally about… the ORSON… really. You have to believe this.

The ample pooper remark was just a friendly attempt, though admittedly ill-conceived, to honor the master, and to show, in a crude allegory, how one film should never be compared to the other… and how impossible it seems that the same man who rose so high to make the one could fall so low as to make the other. That’s all.

I guess you had to be there... out of context, even a marriage proposal can sound like a death threat.

I’m told by members of the Orwellian resistance hiding out in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District that it was the word “lite” which activated the iLawyer-apps imbued into their brain stems at birth… I SHOULD HAVE, they say, obtained the proper license for the word (the copyright of which legally belongs to the BEER industry, now suing everyone they can for improper usage similar to how APPLE appropriated the word “cool**”). I SHOULD HAVE used the long-form variation, or “light,” which is still free while Congress settles the “bulb” industry donation scandal.

** My application for 1-time-temporary use of the word “cool” is on file at iCityHall, App#: 37 BxTpCharliPoop27.

My lawyer contents that I used the word “light” all along… that they won’t be able to tell the difference (since official government security tapes are so fuzzy) but I don’t know… tell me if you can hear the difference;

“Lite bulb…” “Light beer…” Can you tell?

Yeah… the Orwellians tend to have Vulcan-Plus hearing, but I’m told I sound like Ricky Ricardo singing Babalu after 2 or 7 Cuba Libres. So, who knows?

It is said... that every week during worship they pass around a glass jar into which the ORSON once farted...

My lawyer says I should expect the worst (…but he has no penis! How much can I trust a guy who traded his penis for a Harvard law degree? His virtual erections can only be activated when court is not in session.) But deep down he’s not a bad guy, and he makes a point. You don’t just “insult” the ORSON (even unintentionally) and walk away. Not on this planet, as the Orwellians are extremely protective of their deity… and, like early-21st century humans, they love having a common enemy to unite against (much more so than uniting for a good idea, which is considered blasé).

And, like humans throughout history, they revel in punishing the guilty, so their laws are as strict as their capacity for understanding is puny.

It is said, and I don’t know if this is actually true, that every week during worship they pass around a glass jar into which the ORSON once farted, each one carefully removing the lid to take a whiff, which they claim smells rosy and induces euphoria.

I do not want these guys angry with me… but in the end I just can’t help how I feel; “Mr. Arkadin” sucks! It doesn’t mean I don’t love the ORSON.

I suppose I’m doomed to hanging around this planet until after the hearing, even though I’ve grown bored of seeing how the humans increasingly abuse and hurt each other. And the way things tend to drag out nowadays, I’ll probably have to sit through another presidential election.

But hopefully I’ll be able to return before the big Kane festival for the premiere of the holographic edition of Citizen Kane.

Now that's a movie.