Ape Talk

ape portrait

The Apes in my pictures come from the future. About twenty-thousand years in the future.

They have a strong resemblance to commercial toys based on popular movies from the first half of the 21st Century… shortly before the end of Democracy and the loss of social civility… before scientists from Starbucks announced that high doses of caffeine throughout the day helps you look younger and improves your IQ.

Before the beginning of humanity’s last chapter, as the early-to-mid 21st Century is known to Ape academics 20,000 years in the future… humanity sealed its fate… shortly thereafter, Nature selected humanity for systematic cataclysmic destruction… the rest does not exist as a human memory.

Ape eyes close up

I tend to speak fondly of Smart Apes from The Future, but I am not an ape (just a guy with a computer). Even when the logo to my site might suggest as much, and even though an ex-girlfriend once called me “ape,” and I’m almost certain it was not a compliment. But then, a month or so later, she called me a “monkey,” which clearly shows why our relationship came to the crashing end that our Democracy now seems on course to follow. Everyone knows that apes and monkeys are very different. Like dogs and cats. What does it say about you if you confuse one with the other?

Caesar the ape Caesar the ape thinks
Smart Ape

However, given our current level of technology, and the way we use it, we ALL might as well be monkeys… since Apes would never be as irresponsible as humans with an equal level of technology… Nor would they create such a gap between rich and poor.

Would they make Bezos and Gates of themselves? Would they tolerate a Trump Ape? Would they turn their oceans into a massive waste basket for ambitious industrial plastics?

Monkeys would. Humans have.

Caesar reflects on the role of educated apes in modern society

In their own way, the apes in my pictures are more humane than the humans now in charge of the world. They’re instinctive, but able to reflect.

Ape from the future

This will not be a scientific exploration of Apes. Nor a philosophical treatise on why Apes are better company than most bipeds presently in charge of our planet.

Some basic facts:

Apes don’t have tails. Monkeys do. Many humans find this surprising.

And did you know that chimpanzees and humans share 98% of their genetic material?

From Google: Ape species include humans, gorillas, chimpanzees, orangutans, gibbons, and bonobos. In evolutionary and genetic terms, ape species are much closer to humans than monkeys are.

An ape with a spear

The Apes in my pictures are intelligent and evolved beyond our human ability to comprehend. They live WITH the earth, not just ON it. And they don’t destroy it as a matter of survival or profit. Or entertainment.

They possess a level of “advanced organic technology” that seems incomprehensible to us humans.

Apes know how to live in their world without destroying it. They don’t need microwaves or freeways to succeed in life.

Caesar the ape with arms up in victory

These Apes exist to help a healing Earth rid herself of the remaining human virus… They explore their healing planet wide-eyed… wondering what could have caused the concrete scars that can still be found, and they explore other symbols of the tragic human past… such as left-over nuclear waste sites for which the Apes still don’t have a word… and they try to understand the past…

Ape judging man

If they encounter any human tribes, they hunt and kill them. And they burn them. They don’t eat them. Smart apes from the future don’t consume human flesh, as it is considered detrimental to the libido and causes severe intestinal problems.

They do look down on us with heavy judgement, the way any one of us might look at a serial killer; How could you do what you’ve done to the planet? How could you do what you’ve done to each other?

[But do not fear them, as they do not threaten or interact with 21st Century humans, preferring to just watch us go through whatever we’re about to experience.]

Yes… our apes are curious… one of the qualities that led to humanity’s downfall. But they’re cautious and will not negotiate the planet’s wellbeing for a profitable game.

A group of apes, some have spears
Smart Ape with spear

In their time, 20,000 years from now, Smart Apes explore a world they instinctively nurture and protect, and they feel the world nurtures and protects them. It gives them fruits and trees and lakes and an assortment of wonderful and pleasing smells from the grass and flowers… It gives them sunlight and moonlight and gentle breezes and rains and strong winds… and things that they love even though they don’t understand why…

Our Apes use the same word for Earth and God… and they know that their time is limited… they don’t think of forever, but yesterday, today, tomorrow… they instinctively know their purpose is to help the Earth complete her healing… this isn’t a matter of controversy among Apes in Ape Land. It is considered a noble and worthwhile philosophy and a cultural way of life.

A large group of apes
Ape Face

Could I ever be as happy and fulfilled as one of my smart Apes? Unlikely. I’m too analytical and pessimistic. I’m a man of my time. I voted for Hillary. I didn’t think there was a snowball’s chance in hell that she could lose. I’m part of the problem.

Ape thinking

I love my creature comforts; the Internet and cable and Netflix and 2-hour Prime deliveries and fresh-brewed coffee and Seth Godin and Rachel Andrew… Smart apes don’t like Seth, but I do.

I’m part of a hypnotized culture based on the word “cool.” Our motto is “Fuck the Earth.” We are the most destructive force the universe has ever seen, and we do it with pride. Look out COSMOS, if we survive our prescribed doom... HERE WE COME.

Ape on the road

And that’s why, honestly and creatively speaking, smart apes from the future are so important in helping us cope with our impending doom. They can inspire us find an alternative to our ritualistic societal suicide. (And just because our planet’s about to declare war on us doesn’t mean we have to behave like DICKS towards each other, even if that’s what our leaders demand.)

I am Koba

Unreal Apes vs. Movie Apes

Nobody really knows HOW Smart Apes from The Future travel back and forth in time, or why. But sometimes they do like to watch a good movie.

And they mentioned appreciating the undeniable charm of actors Roddy McDowell and James Whitmore as apes in 1968’s Planet of the Apes. Or Andy Serkis in the most recent series and even Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Roth in the maligned 2001 version by Tim Burton.

But there are other apes in other movies that have also left a mark on my guests from the future. Big apes. King Kong-size apes. I have a measurable lack of judgement when it comes to King Kong movies; I love ‘m all, which doesn’t prevent me from ragging on them when necessary. I think this appreciation buys me favor with our time-traveling smart apes. We’ve seen the Peter Jackson version three times since it’s been released on Blu-ray.

Other ape-movies may not fare equally well, but there are many more apes in the movie jungle. (Erase that.)

In Murders in The Rue Morgue (1932) a mad, ambitious scientist runs dangerous medical experiments using a large ape. In George of the Jungle (1997) a young boy is raised by apes into adulthood. This is a somewhat-modern retelling of Tarzan the Ape Man (1932) in which explorers stumble onto a Wildman raised by apes able to communicate with animals.

In The Monster Walks (1932) an ape is involved in a horrible murder. And there’s The Ape Man (1943) in which a scientist accidentally turns himself into a half ape, half human creature. (I’ve still not seen this one, but it’s on my list.)

Many of these movies had an assortment of sequels and imitators through the decades leading to Rampage… in which Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays a PhD that we’re told is “not good with people.” Everyone in the movie tells us over and over (he’s not good with people) yet he remains his charming self throughout. The Rock can’t help being charming. The ape and creatures were way cool, but the plot may have been penned by a monkey.

All of which sets us up for the approaching battle between King Kong and Godzilla. I fear they might team up and go after humanity’s vast military industrial complex… Remember, they think they ARE the good guys. And our smart apes from the future would agree.

ape portrait
Apes in Utah road
An ape
Apes take over what's left of a sinking world

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